We hear it all the time: “No regrets, just lessons.”
Looking back on some stupid thing we did, people will say,
“No regrets, just <…>.”
Bad career choice? “No regrets, you gained experience and new friends.”
Bad exam performance? “No regrets, just do better next time.”
Bad relationship? “No regrets, just love.”
I think that is full of crap.
It’s one of those things we say to sugarcoat something that was clearly painful or wrong.
Sure, there were lessons. Sure, there was love.
But no regret?
Why not?
If I did something stupid and it led me to a bad situation, then yeah — I do regret doing it.
Lately I’ve been unpacking this whole mindset of “no regrets, just <…>.”
I’ve been wondering why we’re so quick to say that.
I understand the need to move on — to move forward.
But isn’t regret part of that process?
When I reflect on my life so far, I can recall moments where, when I shared them with friends, they’d offer that same line:
“No regrets… it all taught you something.”
But to be completely honest with myself?
I do have regrets. A number of them.
I regret taking my PhD.
Back in 2014, I had just fulfilled my service commitment to the university after finishing my Master’s degree.
I was so naive — a little bot who followed what people told her to do.
I was comfortable, even if the job didn’t pay anywhere near the effort I was putting in.
I stayed because the place was familiar. That comfort blurred my judgment.
The PhD wasn’t for me.
I finished it because I don’t like leaving things unfinished — especially something that “big.”
But it wasn’t for me.
I hated who I was while playing that role.
I hated how tired I was.
I hated how little I earned despite how hard I worked.
I hated that I had no time for things I enjoyed doing.
I hated that I was away from my family.
Yes, I learned a lot about the academe — the dynamics, the politics.
I guess that’s the “lesson.”
But I regret ever pursuing it.
That was five years of my life — five years I could have spent learning a high-income skill or starting a small business.
And it brought me no meaningful increase in pay or quality of life.
If anything, my quality of life declined — to the point that I hated myself for ever saying yes to it.
So I gave it up.
I regret staying too long in my first relationship.
I knew that point when it wasn’t good anymore.
But I stayed, because “love”?
Haha. Bullshit.
I was drained of time and money, tapos “love”? Stupid. :-))
That was seven years of my life.
I regret buying into the idea that career is everything.
I spent a good chunk of my adult life being a teacher and a “computer scientist.”
And yet here I am, only now learning how to properly fry chicken or clean galunggong — which, honestly, are far more useful life skills.
I regret giving so much of my time and energy to a boss who turned out to be a crazy control freak —
when I could have been giving that energy to my husband (then fiancé).
Imagine: I was in full service of a boss…
when I should’ve been in full service of Neithan.
This doesn’t make sense at all.
So much time wasted.
I regret choosing a colleague — someone who made us believe we were friends — to be a witness at our wedding.
Bad move.
I regret not paying more attention to what people do, and being too easily convinced by what they say.
Observe more closely.
Most people don’t mean what they say.
Funny, I still hear my friends telling me, “No regrets — these all taught you something.”
Yes, I did learn.
But I also regret.
I’m not sugarcoating those experiences.
Because if I do, I remove the accountability from myself.
I made those decisions. They turned out to be bad ones.
I fucked up.
So I regret them.
I think in life, it’s acceptable to do things naively — up to a point.
Like a child touching fire for the first time — that’s acceptable.
But doing it a second time after being hurt the first?
That’s not innocence — that’s self-sabotage.
We make decisions thinking they’re the best and most sensible at the time.
But when the outcome is fucked up, I think we have to own it.
Regret them, if we regret them.
We don’t have to lie to ourselves.
How can we live a life of truth if we keep lying to ourselves?
The moment I allowed myself to own my regrets — to stop dodging them — was the moment my life began to change.
Accepting that I regret things in my life puts the power back in my hands to correct them,
instead of just waiting for some force in the Universe to fix them for me.
The bad decisions became real and visible. Tangible.
Which meant I could finally learn from them — properly.
There are lessons, of course.
But there are regrets.
And my life is better when I carry both.
I’m grateful for everything, but I can’t help but wonder how the roads might have differed if only I’d been a little smarter, a little braver much earlier — and more perspicacious.
I’m lucky to be blessed with 39 years (though I still feel stuck at 16 :-)))
Whenever I remember that Papa was only blessed with 45,
I feel that punch of urgency — to live life on my own terms.
Everything has to happen now.
The good life comes with tradeoffs.
We can have everything we want —
but only if we’re willing to let go of the things we only think we want.
This is what 39 years of Earth life has taught me so far.
Living with regret isn’t the problem —
not doing anything about it is.
Regret them. Act on them. Change your life.
It’ll keep you looking and feeling young. 🙂